Lost and Found
My remaining twin daughter was born into this world on April 23, 2007 after the longest 9 months- in the depths of the underworld, surviving the death of her sister and the bravest battle for her own wild and precious life. I spent the months of December- April on complete bedrest to give her this chance at survival; reading, hour upon hour, the works of the transcendentalist Ralph Waldo Emerson, hence my daughter's name- Emerson Claire.
But also brought into this world that day was my other daughter. I carried her as well for all 9 months inside my body; only 6 months as a living soul. I had to have a pre-scheduled C-section that day because of the delicacy of the situation- removing a dead child from a living body, before the living child could emerge. I was awakened at 5 AM that April morning after having been admitted to the hospital the night before, full of intermingled anxiety, grief and hope.
It was a crushingly traumatic birth experience; the culmination of a life-altering traumatic pregnancy. The OR was filled with people when I was wheeled in, my fragile paper gown straining across my swollen belly. My OB was there, as well as high risk perinatal specialists, additional doctors, anesthesiologists, nurses, neonatologists and even medical students were all gathered round under the bright lights. I felt like a performer in a freak show- all eyes on the grotesqueness of this moment that I had, somehow, to survive. Performance art; eviscerated- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually in front of a crowd, bleeding out all I had left to give. Delivering both life and death simultaneously.
While my husband was getting scrubbed up and gowned in the next room, they began the spinal epidural before the surgery, placing a needle in my spinal column. I instantly felt the most intense headache imaginable- like my brain was about to explode inside my skull. The pressure was unimaginable and I could not even speak to make the anesthesiologist aware of my pain- I could only scream inside my mouth, crying out for my husband who was not there- I was sure I was dying and these were my last words.